Frequently Asked Questions

1. QUESTION:
   Looking for some good wedding jokes and humour or some great Tshirt quotes on wedding.Any ideas?

   • ANSWER:
     Yes, this one, or two:
     Marriage is a three ring circus:
     The engagement ring.
     The wedding ring.
     And SufferRing.

     or

     ‘a thief stole my wife’s credit card, but I didn’t report it. Because he is charging less on it than my wife would.’

2. QUESTION:
   What are some jokes or qoutes a mc would use at a wedding?
   I have been asked to mc a wedding and am desperate to find some nice jokes or qoutes to say at this wedding so would appreciate some if anyone has any!!

   • ANSWER:
     yea sure, y not !!

     #1
     Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
     ~ Aristotle

     #2
     A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
     ~ Germaine Greer

     #3
     To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
     ~ Ogden Nash

     #4
     To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
     ~ Lao Tzu

     #5
     It took great courage to ask a beautiful young woman to marry me. Believe me, it is easier to play the whole Petrushka on the piano.
     ~ Arthur Rubinstein

     #6
     Two such as you with such a master speed cannot be parted nor be swept away from one another once you are agreed that life is only life forevermore together wing to wing and oar to oar.
     ~ Robert Frost

     #7
     There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
     ~ Homer

     #8
     Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
     ~ Roy Goodman

     #9
     Two souls with but a single thought,
     Two hearts that beat as one.
     ~ Friedrich Halm

     #10
     There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
     ~ Martin Luther

3. QUESTION:
   Jokes I can tell at a wedding?
   I need racially offensive jokes at my cousin’s wedding and I need to have them directed at our specific race. (the jew and the pizza joke is out, so don’t even bother)

   amaze me.

   • ANSWER:
     A Rabbi was giving an example of the power of prayer: “ As I was walking to the synagogue last Saturday I saw a large bag some one had left in a phone box. I had a quick look inside and low and behold it was full of money. Now, remember it was Saturday, so know way could I touch that money, so I prayed and for 15 yards all around me it was Wednesday.”

4. QUESTION:
   Anyone have any good wedding speech jokes…?
   Any will do, but most helpful (best answer!) will be some type of marriage/wedding joke directed towards a Marine and his new bride (my best friend). She used to be married to a soldier so Marine Vs. Army jokes are an option too.

   • ANSWER:
     My best friend is planning on doing a spoken word version of “Live and Let Die” by Paul McCartney as his toast. Which I find amazing.

5. QUESTION:
   Best man jokes for a wedding?
   Saying speech at a Conservative wedding, need a joke or two!

   • ANSWER:

     http://www.aragia.com/wedding-speeches/best-man

     Try this website. Or Google “Best Man funny speeches”. You will find a million websites that offer jokes, plus taste full speeches with a little humor in them.

6. QUESTION:
   Help with Canadian Wedding Jokes?
   I’m doing the speech for my aunt’s wedding and she is marrying this Canadian family from Quebec (so partially French as well). I have a Hockey for dummies book (as expected, not creative but sure to get a few laughs). I need one more non offensive joke type thing. Need one ASAP!

   Thanks in advance.

   • ANSWER:
     Hockey jokes (you’re on the right track)

     Canadians being extra polite

     common use of “eh” at the end of sentences

     Poutine, a traditional dish from quebec (they’ll know. . .)

     Just be aware that some french canadians identify more strongly with being from Quebec and being francophone than they do with being Canadian. I think hockey and poutine will be your best/safest bets.

7. QUESTION:
   Is there anybody would love to give me some wedding jokes.?

   • ANSWER:
     Hey i figured you’d have a sense of humour…… after all, you married her

8. QUESTION:
   Any good jokes about the royal wedding?
   I’ve got one: Havent got my invite to the royal wedding yet… pretty sure it got lost in the mail.
   But I can’t think of anything else. Help!

   • ANSWER:
     I’m afraid not dear girl. Well, not here in the Royalty section anyway. You see, we are all staunch Royalists here and take everything to do with the wedding of dear Prince William to that Middleton girl very seriously indeed.

9. QUESTION:
   Originality for a fun wedding! Jokes, surprises, something memorable!?
   I am the best man and the pressure is on to help with some good idea’s. Some I have already.
   1) Bubbles to blow when they exit the church.
   2) Firework sounds going off after the first kiss.
   3) Everyone has rose pedals to throw instead of rice.
   4) Everyone screams and hollers when they say now man and wife. Maybe noise makers too.

   Any other good idea’s to give my buddy?
   I want creativity.
   Hell no, I am not gay! Just lacking idea’s help me out!

   • ANSWER:
     Instead of walking down the isle, you can all dance. Girls dance to something like: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and boys dance to any song they can all agree on. During their first dance, you it won’t have to be a traditional slow dance theme. The groomsmen and bridesmaids as well as the bride and groom, can just try to do some cool dances to a good song. lol

10. QUESTION:
    Do you know any jokes a master of ceremony can use at our wedding?
    and any ideas of what to say other than all the introductions. Any input will help. thanks.

    • ANSWER:

11. QUESTION:
    Short wedding jokes 1 – funny or not?
    Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

    A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next
    day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
    “You can have mine.”

    Before marriage, a man years for the woman that he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

    A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “mommy, why does the girl wear white?” his mom replies, “the bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” the boys thinks about this, and then says, “well then, why is the boy wearing black?…”

    The three ring joke: Did you know that every wedding involves three rings? Before the wedding, there’s the engagement ring. At the wedding, there’s the wedding ring. Ten years after the wedding, then comes the suffer-ring.

    • ANSWER:
      good ones
      star award

      im gonna print these off and give em to my best man, if he repeats them, i’ll kill him

12. QUESTION:
    what were the best bin laden/ royal wedding jokes?

    • ANSWER:
      Bin laden and Kate Middleton have something in common. Over the bank holiday weekend they both had their back doors smashed in and had been shot in the face

13. QUESTION:
    Wedding or jokes about marriage needed?
    Do you know any funny jokes that would be appropriate for a MC to say at a wedding. The most jokes, that are the besy will win best answer

    • ANSWER:
      Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
      A. They can’t stand criticism.

      Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
      A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

      Q. What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
      A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.

      Q. Why do men name their penises?
      A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

      Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
      A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

      Q. What is a man’s view of safe sex?
      A. A padded headboard.

      Q. How do men sort their laundry?
      A. “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

14. QUESTION:
    Please give me some wedding jokes. I have to be an MC at a wedding. Thanks?

    • ANSWER:
      Go to www.confetti.co.uk they have section on speeches, hope this helps!

15. QUESTION:
    Saint Patrick’s Day Jokes- What’s the Difference Between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?
    Let’s see who can come up with an answer. It’s a traditional Irish joke so it shouldn’t be too difficult. Have fun with it.

    • ANSWER:
      One less drinker or one less drunk

16. QUESTION:
    wedding jokes know of any that are tasteful?
    wedding humour

    • ANSWER:
      What is the one food that decreases all women’s sex drive?

      Wedding cake.

17. QUESTION:
    Funny wedding jokes & sayings?
    On the back of each of our place cards at our reception, we’ve decided to put a humourous joke, saying, quotez etc related to the theme of weddings and marriage. We’ve collected quite a few already, but we can do with alot more.

    Does anybody have any thing to contribute?

    They should be reasonably short – ideally one liners, but anything up to about 4 lines of text would be ok. Other than that, keep them clean as there will be kids at the reception.

    Thanks in advance for all contributions.

    • ANSWER:
      What a lovely idea. Here’s a few.

      Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the man she married? – Barbara Streisand

      Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

      Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

      Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers. Maybe that’s why so many mothers cry at weddings! – Jenny Éclair

      Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance – Oscar Wilde

      Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

      Every man should marry – and no woman – Bernjamin Disraeli

      When you meet someone who can cook and do housework–don’t hesitate a minute–marry him. – anon

      A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

      How to be Happy Though Married.
      - Reverend E.J. Hardy, book title, first published 1886

      My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

      To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the wedding cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up. Ogden Nash

      Before mariage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it. Helen Rowland

      By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

      They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won’t try to run her life, and he won’t try to run his, either.

      Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

      He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, “You’re the boss.”

      Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but she’s certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

      I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

      A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

      Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

      I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli

      The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him. – Cher

      A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted. – Helen Rowland

      An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

      Marriage is a sort of friendship recognised by the police.

      Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx

      Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. – Samuel Johnson

      It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. – Robert Frost

      Marriage is popular because it combines the maximim of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. – George Bernard Shaw

      Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery. – George Nathan

      All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. – Ogden Nash

      A husband’s last words should always be ‘OK buy it’.

      Nothing makes a good wife like a good husband.

      I wasn’t sure if you wanted them all humorous or not, so I have added this link for some more serious quotes.

      http://www.useful-information.info/quotations/married.html#general

18. QUESTION:
    What is a good clean Royal Wedding Joke?
    Looking for a few jokes about Kate and William.

    • ANSWER:
      Not esactly a Rooyal Wedding joke, but:
      Prince Charles ran over one of the queen’s corgis, and thought he’d better bury it before she found out.
      As he was digging he dug up an old oil lamp. He brushed the dirt off, and suddenly there appeared a genie who said he had earned one wish. Charles said “Can you bring this dog back to life?” The genie said “no, he’s too far gone; think of another wish.”.
      So Charles said “can you make Camilla beautiful ?” The genie said “Let’s have another look at that dog”.

19. QUESTION:
    Do you like wedding jokes?
    ============

    At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”

    ======

    Harold’s new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, “If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.” The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, “This small thing, a watch dog? You’re kidding, right?” The employee says, “No, this dog is special; he knows karate.” “Karate? I don’t believe it,” Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, “Karate the sign.” And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, “Karate the chair.” And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. “I’ll take him,” he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, “This little thing, a watch dog? No way.” Harold says, “But this dog knows karate.” “Karate,” she yells. “Karate my ass!”

    =======

    Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.

    • ANSWER:
      The visuals that come to mind are just tooo much! These are some of your best yet!

      Thank you!

20. QUESTION:
    My Nephew is Getting Married. Any Good Wedding Jokes?
    He is a Christian, from Texas and is to become a Doctor of Medicine.

    • ANSWER:
      i agree telling a joke at this time could be taken in a wrong way i woulf wait until another day after the wedding!

21. QUESTION:
    Wedding talk – Jokes?
    Two guys are talking about their boss’ upcoming wedding.

    One says : “It’s rediculous.He’s rich,but he’s 93 years old,an she’s just 26 ! ” What kind of a wedding is that ? ”

    The other says : ” Well,we have a name for it my family.”

    ” What do you call it ? ”

    ” We call it a football wedding. ”

    The first guy asks : ” What’s a football wedding ? ”

    The other replies : ” She’s waiting for him to kick off. ”

    If this joke make U ……..lol. Do award me with a star….Thanks.

    • ANSWER:
      After reading your jokes,I feel Happy! Thanks
      A BIG star for U.

22. QUESTION:
    Got any good wedding jokes?
    Make me laugh, please!

    • ANSWER:
      Why do men want to marry virgins?
      They can’t stand criticism

      What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
      Through his chest with a sharp knife.

      What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
      1. No mind. 2. No business.

      Why do men name their penises?
      Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

      Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
      Because those men already have boyfriends.

      What is a man’s view of safe sex?
      A padded headboard.

      How do men sort their laundry?
      “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

      How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
      In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

      What should you give a man who has everything?
      A woman to show him how to work it!

      Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
      They stay stuck in adolescence!

      How is being at a singles bar different from being at the circus?
      At the circus the clowns don’t talk!

      What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
      The same urge that makes dogs chase care they have no intention of driving!

      Why do batchelors like smart women?
      Opposites attract

      Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
      They’re hard to get started, emit foul odours and don’t work half the time!

      Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
      Breasts don’t have eyes

      How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      ONE….. Men will screw anything

      Why are blond jokes so short?
      … So men can remember them

23. QUESTION:
    can i get some wedding related jokes?
    i am the mc at a wedding reception

    • ANSWER:
      Words of wisdom for the groom:
      You’re the king of your castle, (when she’s not home)
      You can stay out as late as you want, (if you want to sleep on the couch)
      You’re the top dog, (but you’ve been neutered)

24. QUESTION:
    any 1 no any wedding jokes or 1 liners?

    • ANSWER:
      ~At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
      ~After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’
      ~A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’ . ~Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
      ~When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
      ~Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
      ~I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
      ~Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
      ~I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
      ~Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
      ~My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
      ~A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.’
      ~A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.’
      ~How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
      ~A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
      ~The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

25. QUESTION:
    What are some good jokes for a best man speech at a wedding?

    • ANSWER:
      The best way to go is to give a speech about yours and his friendship through the years, goofy things he did or liked, and what it was like when he met her (throw in some humor to you), like if he couldn’t stop talking about her, and what it was like when you met her. DO NOT under any circumstance bring up other women he’s dated. Keep it respectable, fun, and something that has some meaning to you and him, show him and the entire reception that you’re happy for him, and that you care.

26. QUESTION:
    Jokes for a Wedding?
    Does anyone have any good jokes to tell at a wedding tomorrow? I am the em-cee and I need something just in case there is ‘dead air’ during the reception!

    • ANSWER:
      Let there be some dead air. No one wants you to do stand up.

27. QUESTION:
    know any good wedding jokes?

    • ANSWER:
      i was at a wedding the ring bear cam down with a sing saying “RUN JOHN RUN”

28. QUESTION:
    Wedding anniversary jokes?
    Anyone know a website where there are jokes for the more mature audiences, 2nd marriage for both and they have a broad sense of humour, I am doing the best man bit so help!!!

    • ANSWER:
      try on jokebannana.co.uk

29. QUESTION:
    Shotgun wedding joke!! (one of my favorite jokes)?
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

    “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

    The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

    The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

    “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.

    “I remember that too”, she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

    • ANSWER:
      I LUV this. star.

30. QUESTION:
    need some good one line jokes for a wedding speach can u help?

    • ANSWER:
      Don’t do stand-up. You’re going to fall on your face.

      Do a nice speech from the heart. Nothing off-color. Nothing to offend Grandma. Write it down and practice. Keep it short. Don’t drink beforehand.

31. QUESTION:
    grooms wedding speech jokes?
    im getting married next year. does anyone have any good jokes, ad libs that will help the speech go down well?

    • ANSWER:

32. QUESTION:
    Any jokes about Royal Wedding and Bin Laden going?

    • ANSWER:
      My friend split up with her muslim boyfriend the other day but I told her it was alright, there’s plenty more in the sea.

      Kate turns to the Queen and asks her “What’s the secret to a long and happy marriage” the Queen replies, “always wear a seat belt and don’t piss me off”

      Kate Middleton the first person to squeeze in to Diana’s ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

33. QUESTION:
    just looking for any wedding/marriage jokes, advice on emceeing a wedding.I fully expect a GONG show…?
    Any great ideas would help ……TIA
    I’m also looking for centerpiece games and fun ideas to makethe wedding fun

    • ANSWER:
      “The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”

      I thought it was funny! It really is true though. I think most guys are scared, cause we know what happens if we miss their birthday!

34. QUESTION:
    Does anyone have any clean jokes an MC can tell at a wedding?

    • ANSWER:
      I have a recommendation. Don’t. Please don’t tell jokes. No one ever likes them. The wedding is not about the MC or DJ. Most DJs like to think it is. They think it is some event where they hand out business cards and run this little program. I don’t know anyone who likes it. The wedding is about the bride and groom. If you are seriously wanting to tell something like “jokes”, find out some funny antedotes about the bride and groom. Get their permission and tell those.

35. QUESTION:
    i have to give a wedding speech?
    i have to give a wedding speech, toast to the groom. i’m looking for a few good wedding jokes to tell. any suggestions?

    • ANSWER:
      here’s one:

      Why did the chicken cross the road?
      - to get away from his wife (drums)

      ..But seriously why did the chicken cross the road?
      - to cross the street to get a prenup from the lawyers office (drums)

      But seriously folks..Marriage is not like what you imagined. It’s going to take a lot of work, committment, honesty and forgiveness. So just buy her a house and get some therapy (drums)

      ouch!

36. QUESTION:
    Got any jokes for a 50th wedding anniversary?
    I need a few jokes for the reception at my parents 50th this summer. Can anyone help? Thanks in advance.

    • ANSWER:
      There was a couple married for 50 years and on the 50th anniversary the wife saw the husband crying and she told him “honey i never knew that after 50 years you would still love me the same way you did 50 years ago”.

      The husband looks at the wife and asks her “honey, do you remember 50 years ago when your father caught us behind the barn naked?”

      And the wife says yes, the man replies do you remember what your father told me that day?

      She replies no.

      The husband replies he told me that if I don’t marry you he would have me locked up in prision for 50 years.

      The wife looks at the husband and says “and?”

      So the husband replies “O boy, I could of been a free man by now”

      An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
      has been living with for the last 50 years.

      The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
      that were used to put the curse on you.

      The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and
      wife.”

      A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

      The man looks at his wife as asks “what would you like to do for our anniversary?”

      She then replies “we could run upstairs and make love.”

      He replies, “Make up your mind, we can’t do both.”

37. QUESTION:
    Anyone know any good Visayan or Tagalog jokes suitable for a best man’s speech in the Philippines?
    Hi, later this year I will be a proud best man for my Wife’s brother’s wedding in the Philippines (Mindanao). Unfortunately, being British and from the UK, I know and speak next-to-no Tagalog or Visayan! I’m not going to let that put me off though and so I now need help from any budding Philippine jokers (or jokesses?) out there!
    If anyone knows any suitable wedding jokes to amuse the guests, I would be very grateful to recieve them! It would be best if you could post both the joke and it’s english translation if possible. Family jokes and wedding jokes would all be very much appreciated! Many thanks for any responses! I look forward to laughing at your bestlines! Tony.

    • ANSWER:
      i hope some of these jokes would be helpful to you…

      http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak2fqUre0IbccObQUUx8x0Lty6IX?qid=20070531035359AAj2q6l&show=7#profile-info-af87394ef4e3013ab95d9d093f2c9b51aa

38. QUESTION:
    Why does Nancy Pelosi think a crude joke at a wedding is reason to kick out a congressman but not vote rigging?
    Murtha took vocal votes and declared them in the direction of his likeing abusing the hell out of his position and pelosi LOVED him although he betrayed a public trust

    Masa stood up for what he thought be told an off colored joke at a wedding and was crucified by Obama

    what gives????

    • ANSWER:
      Pelosi doesn’t think either a crude joke or vote rigging is anything to be bothered about. Anyone who dares oppose her, as in health care reform, is fair game. As Masa, and the many others are finding out, she is a hateful, vindictive, arrogant, and corrupt individual. She is a bully when she can be, and a coward when she cannot. Sad thing is the voters in San Francisco continue to elect her over and over. They kind of deserve what they are getting, the rest of us do not.

39. QUESTION:
    i am best man at my son’s wedding need jokes no filth?

    • ANSWER:
      go in front of everyone and say ” ur mom” and then sit down..

40. QUESTION:
    Which is ethically worse? Telling a off color joke at a wedding or riggind a oral vote?
    The democrats ignored it when the late Congressional Representative Murtha of PA presided over the house and often took oral votes and declared the result to his liking desptie protests

    The demoscrats ran COngressman Masas outta town practically for one off colored joke at a wedding

    what gives? is this ethical? this is the ethics committee?

    • ANSWER:
      You expect ethics from politicians? Maybe you were too young when Bill Clinton was in office, but the Dems kept saying the he didn’t do anything wrong about lying under oath about sex with a White House intern.

41. QUESTION:
    I need jokes for my wedding speech!?
    I am getting married and need to have a few one liners for my speech. Something clean though as I have to address my wife, my father, my father in-law, my best man and the guests.

    Any ideas/advice?

    • ANSWER:
      this was the toast at my wedding from one of the groomsmen… not sure what you’re looking for, but hope it helps. (it was a BIG hit at my wedding… people still bring it up)

      he told me and my new husband to hold hands with his hand on top… once we closed our hands together, he told my husband to “enjoy… as that would be the last time he ever had the upper hand…”

      i loved it!

42. QUESTION:
    1. Jokes for wedding receptions that are used during speeches?

    • ANSWER:
      Our best man (straight) started his speech out with “Well, Steve and I dated for 11 wonderful years before he broke up with me for Lisa…”

      Check out http://announcements.com for wedding invitations and reception favors. Most of their stuff ships in 2 business days

43. QUESTION:
    with the upcoming wedding, will there be many Prince Albert in a Can jokes?

    • ANSWER:
      What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
      Curt n’ Rod
      What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
      Doug
      What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
      Jack
      What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
      Matt
      What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
      Skip
      What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
      Bill

44. QUESTION:
    Anyone know any good jokes for a Ruby wedding anniversary?

    • ANSWER:
      **i didn’t know when i married this person that by clicking my RUBY slippers together ……I’d say there is no place like home!”"
      Ruby Poems

      Loving You

      Rubies are red
      Sapphires are blue
      I’m in love
      With wonderful you

      Forgive Me?

      Rubies are red
      Sapphires are blue
      I’m sorry for what I said
      Will you forgive me too?

      Ruby Jokes

      What did the Ruby say to the diamond?

      You’re so clear you make me blush!

45. QUESTION:
    looking for one-liners or humorous jokes for a wedding toast… can you help?

    • ANSWER:

      http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml

      http://www.ahajokes.com/

      http://www.the-jokes.com/

      http://www.lotsofjokes.com/

      http://www.jokesgallery.com/

      http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm

      http://www.jokes2000.com/

      http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/

      http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

      http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/

      http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html

      http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm

      http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98

      http://www.blonde-jokes.info/

      http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp

      Please visit the above pages. I hope, it helps u.

46. QUESTION:
    Have you had/or are you having a wedding with no best man?(no “i love you man” jokes)?
    I got like 20 mates that are close enough to be my groomsmen. And like 5 of them could be my best man. So i thought that i could just have these 5 as my groomsmen but they are all my very best friends and i cant decide who my best man would be. What are the rules about having a best man?

    • ANSWER:
      do you have a relative? maybe he could get priority, being related. otherwise do whatever you want. there are no “Rules”. you should probably coordinate with the bride though, to be symmetrical; so if you don’t have one, she shouldn’t have a maid of honor. or maybe she has a brother/male friend and you have a sister/female friend and you could choose each other’s?? i don’t know… good luck!

47. QUESTION:
    Im going to toast my buddy at his wedding any good clean jokes out there i could use about marriage? or toasts

    • ANSWER:
      Try this link it should help…

      http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Wedding+Speech+builder&sp=1&fr2=sp-top&ei=UTF-8&fr=ks&ei=UTF-8&SpellState=n-2657105031_q-nlO.B7i35fDngFhlpBEh4wABAA%40%40

48. QUESTION:
    Wedding and Marriage Jokes?
    1. If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.

    2. Woman don’t make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types .

    3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him .

    4. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

    5. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

    6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.

    7. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.

    8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

    9. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

    10. Definition of a man with manners-he gets out of the bath to pee.

    11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.

    12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ………. a woman.

    13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men
    - strong, caring, loving –
    they’d be wrong but you could still use them.

    14. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.

    15. Men’s brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.

    16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”.

    17. Husbands are like children-they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

    • ANSWER:
      hahhaha
      like it

49. QUESTION:
    What are ways a pastor can personalize our wedding ceremony?
    Our pastor is planning our wedding ceremony and wants to incorporate personal stories, jokes etc. about us. We, and our pastor, want the ceremony to be personalized towards us and not be a cookie-cutter wedding. Any ideas??

    • ANSWER:
      Wow, I teared up thinking of this, but what if your pastor talked about the things you like about him and the things he likes about you and about how you met?

      You could also do something in the ceremony to honor people in your life or family that have died if you wish in some way.

      We had a Cherokee blanket ceremony in our wedding because my husband is part Cherokee. Maybe you could do something that is a tradition in the culture of one or both of your backgrounds. If you do a google search for wedding traditions of that culture you might find something that you like and could encorporate.

      Best of luck to you.

50. QUESTION:
    Any tips for somebody about to mc their first wedding?
    I have been asked by my friends to mc their wedding. I have a copy of the dialogue and some instructions and a list of people to familiarize myself with. Is their any jokes, stories or tips that you can think of that would be funny or good to add to my dialogue? Also, tips for speaking in front of a large amount of people? It’s a big expensive wedding and I’d like to make it a day to remember for the right reasons.

    • ANSWER:
      Any names that are weird get the pronunciation for, don’t drink too much on the big day else you’ll be a drunk MC. Bad.

      If you know the couple and know a funny story throw it in but make sure it’s tasteful. Doing a sweet story about the bride and groom could be cute, eg

      I’ve know Jim for years and never seen him sweat but today Mary, today he was sweating it out. I ask, Jim what’s wrong? He said he’s about to marry the most beautiful woman in creation. Who wouldn’t be sweating?

      Cheesy? Maybe but it’s an example of a cute barfy story you can throw in. Mostly you have to worry about calling ppl to do their speeches. Google wedding mc jokes and even watch some stuff on YouTube.