A marriage is meant to be the best time of your life, an adventure to be shared with the person you love the most in this world. But marriages can either be happy and nurturing, or unhappy and claustrophobic. An unhappy marriage leads to a chronic state of anxiety and stress and is something that needs to be fixed, not ignored. Many couples find themselves in relationships that seem to get worse over time and not better. You want the relationship to work, but it seems to be gathering speed as it’s headed downhill.

At its most basic level marriage imposes responsibilities on you and your spouse to stay true to each other and to protect each other from any harm. Studies have shown, though, that couples who were in unhappy marriages were usually committed to the marriage for its own sake, but not to their spouse. For these couples, the marriage was tolerated out of their sense of duty to their children and family, their faith, or to society.

Marriage can do a lot of good for both partners, but just so long as they are in harmony with their partners. Even at the physical level, as soon as a man and wife start to be at odds, blood pressure goes up and hormone levels change in a way which lowers your immunity.

How does a marriage become unhappy? Couples begin to drift apart when communication breaks down. The way you try to resolve conflicts has a lot to do with whether or not your relationship will last. Ask yourself whether the way you talk to each other is pushing you apart or pulling you together?

So before you do anything else focus on how the two of you communicate. Couples have to learn how to begin serious conversations gently with a “softened” startup. If you use a gentler beginning to your discussions, talking about what is bothering you in a kind, considerate way, without criticizing or blaming, your partner will retain their self-respect and feel more motivated to please you.

How does this affect the relationship? Psychologists have found that couples who make decisions together and talk things over report much higher levels of marital satisfaction. It doesn’t mean that these couples agree on everything or that they even share all of the same interests, but they try to work out compromises to accommodate their differences.